you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
