awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
