Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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