I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
40s are totally the cure
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
