Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
