i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
