Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
