ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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