apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
