Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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