I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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