you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
