You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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