Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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