I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
That accounts for only three of the penises
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
