I wish my penis had an off switch
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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