why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
