Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize