last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
