Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
