i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize