Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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