I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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