I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
