I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
