smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
