You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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