Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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