I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
