there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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