Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
