i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
