I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
