Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
