She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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