Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
