End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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