1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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