Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
