I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
