Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize