I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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