Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
