where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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