I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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