hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
