So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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