how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
