Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
