this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
