What did we do last night that was yellow?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Randomize
