I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
