She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
