The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize