Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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