Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
