There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
