he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just had sex on a roof
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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