It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she smelled like a LAN party
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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