I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
